Dear God

2008-11-12T13:29:00.002+08:00

although words that come out from me are harsh
the actions i do are hurtful

my heart still longs for your presence
When your mind ain't right, and it's hard to sleep
And you try to hide the pain, but your scars are deep
look me in my eyes and tell me what you see

i realise that everytime i see your face, theres a part of me that cant bare to let you go

dont you know it..

2008-11-04T11:46:00.003+08:00

me and the easily frighten sabrina

HANTU

another HANTU

me and lil' Karen(baobei)

me and the gals

the only guy in the group

i took this pic..nice

2008-10-22T14:54:00.002+08:00

Dedy uses judgment to make decisions. He is ruled by his head, not his heart. He is a cool, collected person who is usually unexpressive emotionally. Some may see him as unemotional. He does have emotions but has no need to express them. He is withdrawn into himself and enjoys being alone.

The circumstances when Dedy does express emotions include: extreme anger, extreme passion, and tremendous stress. If someone gets him mad enough to tell him off, he will not be sorry about it later. He puts a mark in his mind when someone angers him. He keeps track of these marks and when he hits that last mark he will let them know they have gone too far. He is ruled somewhat by self-interest. All his conclusions are made without outside emotional influence. He is very level-headed and will remain calm in an emergency situation. In a situation where other people might get hysterical, he has poise.

Dedy will work more efficiently if given space and time to be alone. He would rather not be surrounded by people constantly. In a relationship, he will show his love by the things he does rather than by the things he says. Saying "I love you" is not a needed routine because he feels his mate should already know. The only exception to this is if he has logically concluded that it is best for his mate to hear him express his love verbally.

Dedy is not subject to emotional appeals. If someone is selling a product to him, they will need to present only the facts. They should present them from a standpoint of his sound judgment. He will not be taken in by an emotional story about someone else. He will meet emergencies without getting hysterical and he will always ask "Is this best for me?"

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, Dedy doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

Dedy will demand respect and will expect others to treat him with honor and dignity. Dedy believes in his ideas and will expect other people to also respect them. He has a lot of pride.
Dedy will be candid and direct when expressing his opinion. He will tell them what he thinks if they ask for it, whether they like it or not. So, if they don't really want his opinion, don't ask for it!

In reference to Dedy's mental abilities, he has a very investigating and creating mind. He investigates projects rapidly because he is curious about many things. He gets involved in many projects that seem good at the beginning, but he soon must slow down and look at all the angles. He probably gets too many things going at once. When Dedy slows down, then he becomes more creative than before. Since it takes time to be creative, he must slow down to do it. He then decides what projects he has time to finish. Thus he finishes at a slower pace than when he started the project.

He has the best of two kinds of minds. One is the quick investigating mind. The other is the creative mind. His mind thinks quick and rapidly in the investigative mode. He can learn quicker, investigate more, and think faster. Dedy can then switch into his low gear. When he is in the slower mode, he can be creative, remember longer and stack facts in a logical manner. He is more logical this way and can climb mental mountains with a much better grip.

Dedy is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. He needs to visualize the end of a project before he starts. he finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said he plans everything he is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. Dedy basically feels good about himself. He has a positive self-esteem which contributes to his success. He feels he has the ability to achieve anything he sets his mind to. However, he sets his goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". He has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, he will not take great risks, as they relate to his goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, his self-perception is better than average.

Dedy is very self-sufficient. He is trying not to need anyone. He is capable of making it on his own. He probably wants and enjoys people, but he doesn't "need" them. He can be a loner.

www.handwritingwizard.com/analysis.php

2008-10-22T13:58:00.002+08:00

as nearing thoes doors, heartbeat count down to the moment of truth
as i open thoes doors, tears starts to fill my eye bank.
i close it back. a few deep breathes later. im in..

seeing her in that condition. just breaks my heart. lying, eyes close. as if i can feel her pain.
i lightly hold her hand. she twitched. i whole world just stops there and then. shes than come to life and how relieved i was. spoke slowly. looking at the scar and the staples that are holding thoes skin together. i just broke more.

i just wish shes alright and hope that this ends her suffering or maybe most of it.

and the last isnt about who ever you hink it is. it is on someone who doesnt read my blog. sorry if you get caught in the heat.

2008-10-20T14:28:00.001+08:00

and the sad thing is, you never even ask

2008-10-20T14:13:00.002+08:00

isnt it nice to have someone there like now. when you need someone to hold your hand and never let go when she herself has probs. where we put one another ahead before ourself. where we share a world to ourself with no one else is there.

its a shame that all this while ive been taking girls i knew as close friends rather than special. while special people to me just leaves. i dont care if you dnot talk to me, ignore me kos maybe this shows that im wrong. wrong about everything thats hapening.

maybe its my luck that i have to go through this all by myself. im a man on my own. but its hard opening up to one gal and suddenly youre not that close anymore. and you drift. and everything settles like the tide. people who are not there are the people that do not share a world with you. people who has their own world. people who are not really there for you. people who just listens. people who are just people. i need someone special. too bad i guess.

2008-10-17T15:48:00.002+08:00

Well if I die tonight
I wonder Where I'll be tomorrow
Nobody cry please
Push away the sorrow
'Cause I ain't been
The best of men
The best of friends
The best of mom
And mamas first son
The best of anything
Tell Nana here's a last one

If I die tonight
Would I be forgiven
By all the people I been slackin
with When I was livin?
Those who I hurt their hearts
Took advantage of
And even lied to
Hug you one last time
For forgiveness Yeah I would like to

If I die tonight
Would you feel the loss?
Tomorrow would you dial
My number by accident
Then suddenly... pause?

If I die tonight
I wonder who would get
To keep my flip flops and shoes
Jerseys, even my little Stuffed crocodile Coco too
Get my cell phone Message everyone from A to Z
Tell 'em this ain't Dedy
He passed away last night
And pray he rest in peace

If I die tonight
Would you think of my room
When you see blue
Wanted to clean it up this morning
But then I never knew

If I die tonight
What would happen to you
How long would it take Before she kissed another man?
... God damn...
At the brim of boredom
would she be there and sing with me
Things I wish I knew...

2008-10-13T14:30:00.000+08:00

Staring at the ceiling when im alone
Thinking of the mountains of hope I have for you
I really cant forget you
Eventhough I know I lost you before we started

Maybe it’s the want of me to see you
Happy always with no end
That Im ready to be the passerby
Even if it means carrying the world on my back

Maybe its not easy for you to understand
I just don’t want to hurt neither of us
This feeling of mine
Stops me from the horizon

As long as im breathing
I will still love you
No matter how painful it gets
When the faltered hopes looms

As long as u can hear this heartbeat of mine
Ill prove you my love
Ill never regret it
As theres no meaning in my life anyway

I will hold on to whatever that’s left
Loving you
Missing you
Even if we are distanced
Still my love stands strong

Really hope you understand
Before my heartbeat beats no more

2008-10-09T11:25:00.002+08:00

i just do not know what are you thinking but i think you just think for yourself. not others. you always say think about the person behind when that person is actually you. you damn it.

i realised that there is no more that someone there to save my tears from hitting the floor. im all my own. even if they say that i can always talk to them but whats the use. i think better just forget bout it and just keep maself occupied rather than pondering bout something which i know i wont make much a different.

sometimes i wonder why things come in a dozen. one after another. what did i do. reli tiring. tired from running from all this.

2008-10-07T14:23:00.000+08:00

i just need to talk..i have no one..

ur nt there

2008-10-03T15:15:00.004+08:00

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this is what i want to say today

2008-09-29T12:18:00.003+08:00

sounds of fire crackers, smell of laughter and you could just taste that it is all coming to the end. this is where everyone is excited about but not me.

i still remember where i was at the last house in Commenwealth we use to get the preparations one week before the day itself. weave the ketupat, getting the charcoal fired, putting up the new curtains we just bought from the famous Geylang pasar. trying on our new baju kurong. throwing fire crackers from the 10th floor down aiming at the big tree hoping to make it burn.(it didnt). every malay in the block would gather at my 2nd storey apartment and putting order on how many bunch of ketupat they want and its free. even if we were like enemys throughout the year, on that particular day, we were family.

i truly miss thoes days. now that special day is still special as in its double pay at piza hut and im working 12 hours. cool. no spring cleaning and all. no hectic trying to make the deadline kueh making competition. no new baju kurong. no ketupat. no following mum to the pasar to get fish which i hate but i miss doing it, i dont know why.

third day of raya, ma mums gona go for her surgery, have to skip skool for that. recite yasin there. i reli hope she gets well and that no hiccups along the way. i am really greatful for you mama. you have done alot of things. once i thought that friends can take care of me but im wrong mama. im wrong. i need you more than ever. you are the only person on this earth i can talk to. everyone just leaves. but dont you. i reali need you. ill miss thoes patting and advice which i never head. its just breaks me down to see you in this state still trying to make a living for us. just stop would you. i will take care for you. ill drive you around in my shiny car if you make it. ill make you the happiest person in the world. ill buy you a condo. ill get you to the holy land. ill never get married till i achieve all that. i promise mama. i promise. im in class and im crying just at the thought of it.im not that strong after all

2008-09-26T09:56:00.004+08:00

You walk past me like I’m part of the scenery
I’m right here but you don’t even see me

She walks be your side, she doesn’t even glance around

When she became your world, that’s when mine crashed down

I’ll smile if it makes you happy

I’ll die if it means you’re still here

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

And I won’t shed a tear

No, I won’t shed a tear…

When I smile, it’s just as bad as lying

Can’t you see how on the inside, I am dying?

I can’t hold back any longer

Why, oh why, can’t I be stronger?

I’ll smile if it makes you happy

I’ll die if it means you’re still here

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

But I can’t shed a tear

No, I can’t shed a tear…

But I fear… That I will…

And the tears won’t seem to slow down

I feel like I’m gonna drown

If only, if only you’d look at my eyes

You’d understand why this poor soul cries

But you only look through me like I’m not here

Even though my pain is crystal clear

I’ll smile if it makes you happy

I’ll die if it means you’re still here

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

Yes, I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down…

I’ll smile if it makes you happy {so happy}

I’ll die if it means you’re still here {still here}

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

Please stand up when I’m falling down

2008-09-25T13:51:00.002+08:00

everything seems to be getting hard for me each day. the people i love are no longer smiling like they should. i need them in my life. i need you to smile for me. i can smile for you no doubt but will you for me..

i need someone to msg me, call me at night so that im a lil distracted from my thinking time. maybe share a lil bit of this and that. but there is still no one. would any of you listen to me. i just need to talk. im all choked up from all this.

most of all i need you. but i know that you would be very bz with your own life and squeezing your brain for an answer and praying a miracle would happen like im always praying for you.

no matter wat happens, before its too late i just wana say

I LOVE YOU

2008-09-23T10:15:00.003+08:00

i always find it hard to sustain something in life. to get it, yes. to hold it no. sometimes i wonder. its this ability that makes some of you out there hate me. i think. but its beyond my means to like gather all of you to come together. i have bigger things to gather.

im sorry if i ever gave you like unsure smile. i have too much to think. but when i do take time to think bout you, it just saddens me as i just dont know how to help you. you probably have lots of ppl out there thinking like me but i have no intention to be one of them. but mutually exclusive.

to have someone who has an upperhand over me really bring me down. im not a peacock who needs to show my feathers to have you notice me. if i think im not good enough ill let it go. ill let it go.

I can see you're sad. Even when you smile, Even when you laugh. I can see it in your eyes, Deep inside, you wanna cry. i really hope that i can be there for you but i knoe its impossible.

Everything always happens for a reason, I guess it was never meant to be. But it's just something we have no control over, And that's what destiny is.

but if you need me. im here ya.. distance is just units. theres cars, trains and bikes. ill walk there if i have to.. smile2

2008-09-18T13:56:00.004+08:00

i guess im being selfish. i have to realise that maybe ur happiness might not lie with me. and i have realise that it is the case. todays lesson gave me a fright when it started as it is really close to me. about heart and mind. my heart says you are the one. my mind says think about it. my mind is pounding, my mine is aching. i dono. i dono. i dono.. but watever it is, i dnot wana lose what i had with you. i realli dont. i have to face the facts. i have to face you. watever happens, i hope you are happy. choose watever that makes you happy. ill pray

2008-09-18T13:56:00.001+08:00

we learn about paralanguage.. cant you read mine

2008-09-17T14:33:00.001+08:00

k now i feel so awkward after telling her ..damn seh..but i guess i shudnt wait too long

2008-09-17T13:59:00.001+08:00

People always say to forgive and forget but that is not the case for me. It is either I forgive and never forget or forget and never forgive. Cause if you forgive, you won’t forget what you forgave him for. I will forget that person and would never forgive him and would forget who he is totally.

I am someone who forgives easily and I can’t really bring myself to hate someone. But I will still remember him for what he did. And like you, I did forgive you and you just cant leave my mind. I thought that u was the one for me but I guess it was just another illusion. You are a magician.

And so I move on. Somewhere near to you. Very near to you. She is very2 cute, everytime I look into her eyes, there would be a pause as if the world just stops rotating, time just seized to exist. Lips moving, eyes stuck to each other, but realization hit me. That’s when I turned away. Maybe u too is another mirage. Another girl in the train. I have this pain in my chest plus heart that u produce, with every little things you do says a lot.

2008-09-14T18:08:00.002+08:00

People say that the eye is the window to the soul. This is quite true. But when I look into yours, I’m just lost in it. I do not know what is going on inside. Maybe you are still in a state of denial. U needs someone there to sub him. But I too am confused. I just can’t get you to see that I am someone who is ready for you. But I think you want to give him a second chance. Maybe I should have not been too attached to your warmness. I need you every second. You’re the reason I go to places I hate. But I know you care. Maybe we shouldn’t be too close because I might be hurt without you realizing it. Someone yesterday told me in the wee morning that I have to make the first move. But what can I do. And he says that what happens if you are destined for this girl and you don’t make the first move. You might lose this only chance and never meet her again. But I think to myself that if we are meant for each other. Then maybe we will, if not now, later. But can I wait that long I pondered. Will the chance only come when im with another person and would I hurt her or would I hurt you the most. Maybe I should make the first move.

And to shidaa. If you are reading this, I am sorry for what had ever happen. and sorry for me to take too long initiate a first move. It will take time before we can talk like nothing happened. Lets just wait ya girl. And i do miss you and you voice. Haha. Every time you laugh, I hope that it was my joke you were laughing at. Good luck on your exam next week..hemm

2008-09-13T00:40:00.003+08:00

Sometimes i wake up in the morning to a new beginning, but it just doesnt happen. this rock in ma chest just wont let me. im left gasping for air in the comfort of my own bed. it leaves me paralysed for a moment till an instance i felt so hurt that i actually think that it was a mini heart attack. but ill just push maself up and faces of people i love, i treasure just flashed.

would i get a chance to say how i really feel, would i get to make u happier than u can ever imagine, would i get a chance to feel your warm embrace once again. it is not i never listen to you guys mummuring. but im just not in a condition where i can just think for myself. what if something is wrong with me. i cant support this family of mine that i love so much. i cant get ma mum through her operation. i wouldnt dare say that i truly love you cause im scared it would just be for a moment before im gone. im scared that i would hurt you even more than what u are. im scared of leaving you alone.

ive been trying so hard to occupy maself with stuff so that i wouldnt feel the pain. i smoke just to console myself. ive been trying hard to withstand the pain in class so that no1 abtually notice. all i could do is rub ma chest secretly so that no one sees it, not that any1 do care but i dont wana be a hastle for any1 to bother. ive lived alone in ma own world for most of my time. having sm1 there to see to u would be nice but i guess im just conditioned to feel cold. not opening up maself so much cause that will leave me vulnerable.

i dont mind being a mirage of your past. i cant change you in an instant but i just want you to know that i care. n ill do anything within my means to make u reach nirvana.

sometimes i think to maself that no matter how hard i pray, theres no prove that anyone cud here. but ill just keep holding on till a moment where all my prayers and questions answered.

2008-09-12T10:08:00.002+08:00

all i did was just sit back and listen to you.. thats the very least i can do.. i can do much more i guess. it is something that i think i can excel. u make me feel special everytime but i know inside me that im not. ive been where u were and i know that its hard. its been 3 years but i still do feel the twitches now and than. but its fine.. im still standing.. its hard to have people telling you that you are a great person. but ur nt special. im nt special.. im just great.. dats it.. everyone has someone special hu luks over them or they look after. but for me, every special person leaves for a reason or two. none of them stays. they are there when u need them but they are nt when u dnt. i need sm1 hus always there in rain or sunshine, in excitement or in boredom. someone i can complain to like the MP. appeal my fine letters. but i think that i wud just be blind sided. im just the nice guy hu u know as a great friend.

2008-09-11T10:14:00.015+08:00

S Club 7

me, she and her

Featuring Umairah in
Singapore Drift...

Starring Dedy

little gingerbread man
MY

Telletubbies Full dress Rehearsal

irianto and siti

DOM the Evian model

Christina Banana

cool chicks

hafizz shutter and sadako

funny that in this short period that im with u all.. alot has we went through.. it is nice to tell something that i have in this mind of mine. the deepest, darkest secret is still in me but it takes time. im beginning to trust u all and we do have something in common. but its a pity that we have oni 6 months. ill make this the best 6 months of our life

2008-08-31T22:54:00.002+08:00

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, orSaying nothing and wishing you had?
I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.
Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.
If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.
Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you alreadyhad with that person?
Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't.
You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.
Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?
Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does notcare as much, or even at all.
Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?
We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.
But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.
Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?
*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?
*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)
*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?
*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?
*People live, but people die. I want to tell you thatyou are a friend.If you died tomorrow (God Forbid)you would bein my heart.

Would I be in yours?

2008-08-30T19:55:00.004+08:00

through shimmering light you rose

through fades of time you frame

with your own legs you stand

and companies you never lack

alternatives shines brighter

fresh breath of nicotine in the wee morning

and the elixir of immortality

living to live

the bread winner

staring at what you cant catch

but nothing more than dirt

but new life still lingers

and joy carries on

cuteneess revived

happiness prevail

2008-08-21T19:51:00.003+08:00

have you ever paused, n saed.. wat am i doing..
do i reli want to be me. this person dat is me..
its like youre in a place you dont know, hands full of blood.. n you just dont know how it gt there..
a rush of questions rush to you mind, your alreadi cramped mind. you start to recall where you were, wat you did, even when you know its too late. you try to make things better for the future which you know you reli cant.

you find yourself in the middle of a plain. you see an oasis from afar. you run towards it but ur legs r just too heavy. but u still ran.. ran for the oasis.. the nearer u r, the vaguer the oasis becomes. n soon u relise that its just a mirage. n there you r.. ntg to look on..run to.. hope for..

as light shys away. darkness takes over..stonecold surrounding rises. you cant see urself. you cant see the way, your lips froze, you cant shout, or scream. but under thoes faltering breath, you whispered.. you whispered prayers of saint. with no prove of it ever coming true, you still hold on to it. with no reason to do so.as quick as it comes, it goes. now ur back staring at this monitor of yours. what have you done recently to reli make use of urself instead of counting on others to do ur bidding. we control our path, our outcome. how unpredictable life might be.. we have to learn standing on our feet. dont let an event push you down so low, till you just find it hard to scramble back on your feet. thoes hand helping you know would go. they themself have to find their path.

so dnt find yourself hanging one day when you wake up. pull urself up..its the effort..the work done.. it will carve u.. friends keep changing. only a few stays with you for a couple of phases of your life. sooner or later they will have to go.. build themself a castle.. till you mit up, you will tok about the castle youve build. over a humble cup of coffee

2008-08-19T18:36:00.002+08:00

well.. alot of things happen these few weeks. went for SHL camp which was such a bore. but get to mit new friends ah. and gta know 2 of ma frens cute2..haha.. wana knal?? haha. and i lost ma fone.. k im nt ina mood to blog.. maybe next time ya.

2008-08-12T15:44:00.002+08:00

do you know that we need to get out of this poverty cycle. one way is through education. but if youre nt gd at it nevermind. do somethin youre good at say like soccer. to me being halted from chasing my dream is bad. i can see myself playing soccer professionally then, but you stopped me. you say that there are no cert, no future. you dont have faith in us do you. you alwaes make me feel like a fool. like someone so damn down low.

n now youre doing it to my bro. he cant really study as you know yourself. let him excel in something else. you want him to end up like you? i never want to be like you. neither do my bro. youre just someone who has so much to say, but wouldnt do anything. just sit there and hoping for something to happen.

you keep saying about people. what about you huh? what about you....

2008-08-10T23:41:00.002+08:00

through tears that we shed, our defination of beauty arise, where we can see through little eye drop and a dispersion of thoughts can be seen.. only then, will you see that you left a dent on my heart. a dent so deep, bigger than a pothole. but i know that we both were just living the moment.. but why does it still hurt.. when i search for your eyes, we just cant meet..

2008-08-08T09:16:00.002+08:00

i don not know if there is anyone worse than you. you sleep the whole day waking up just to call of your stomach. you dont do work and you dont feel even a slight of guiltiness. for 3 years.. 3 years you didnt suppoort us. i never get what i want and have to work for my needs. my basic needs damn you. you always spout things without thinking, you always think that you were always right.

what ever i do is never right, what ever i didnt do is also never right. to me youre just a dead body living in the house, sucking all the luck that we have left. you shout and scream at the break of dawn and you never really cared. you and your arrogant attitude, you never want lose out to me dont you. you cant let me have something more than you. you always have something to stop me from doing what i like. ur generation and mine are like lightyears apart. i even planned with ma fren to get a rented house so that we can escape hell in heaven.

even youre own grandad passed away, you dont even attend his burial. are you even human? are you? with mums condition like that, which you really are responsible for. you are. you dnt even made an attempt to make her better but you leave her making curry puffs to make ends meet. everyday i go to school, den off to werk and help mum with her curry puffs till even 3 at times and you were living your dream, in your dream. you always think that there is a way iot for everything, must you really find the way out, if you dnt get yourself in this. sometimes i miss my teenage years to work and try to feed you. i dont even go out with ma frens, even if i do, its like just for awhile. ive been patience all this while.. i still am. but i still love you.. i still do

2008-08-05T08:09:00.002+08:00

we grew up together. share the same class, our parents were friends. i still remember the tea break and the nap that we use to take in class. you were kinda a big sis that i never had. den we were lost for 6 years. funny that sometimes people change so much that when they grow. but i dont. and seriously, i still look like when i wa in K1. people still can recognise and when they like approach me and say "hei Dedy".. il be going like "hei....", den just walk off. plus thinking to myself..who can that be.. haha.. k im drifting

time past so swiftly as like a cup of milo to me. downed in a gulp. 2nd august 2008 marks the evolvement of my batch to adulthood. she looks so twinkling in those subtle wedding dress. face so calm like a lake with no currents. she look happy i guess. good for her. seeing her like that seems to make me realise that i am no longer the small cute kid i was, im a man now. i have greater responsibility than just playing green toy soldiers in a bucket full of water and asking my mum to get into my posh "toy" car. its been great what you made go through, ull always be apart of me. ive seen you get into many relationship which i know you werent that serious about. you have to be now.

to my dearest dearest friend,
rafidah , fifie

2008-08-01T10:55:00.003+08:00

i guess im back to my old mood, i no longer find sending order a drag. i guess there are no more mini games playing in my mind that makes me so exhausted mentally and physically. no more things bothering me, its the life that im used to. school den werk den go home sleep. and im finally sticking to 1. im so relieved. this way, i wont find myself pondering which way should i go.

school was like mundane. but luckily for me i gt bucuk to like accompany me through my days in school. its strange that some people who was like in the same environment for 2 years oblivious about each others existance suddenly like addicted to dat 1.

truthfully, school would be just school if it aint for the people that walks to school with me, smoke with me, webby with me, eat with me, laugh with me. this is school after all. dont mind the "institution of education" label. school is where you meet friends, make friends, expand your network and thanks to this, im not stuck at home waiting for someone to hit me to chill.

i have motive in life finally. my aspirations are to finish school enter ns, get into OCS, get myself a shoulder rank, and sign on. my life is sealed. that is my final answer. when i retire, i wana be a PE teacher. have 2 kids with my dear wife. on boy and one girl. boy - Al Shemarq, girl - Al Therisha. may sound arab but it just sounds nice. and i want my children to be first in tha class list. hehe

2008-07-30T12:58:00.004+08:00

r u like referring like to yourself?? cause i dnt reli talk bout you in the way you did. think bout myself?? ya of course.. dnt you?? think on what you did.. does it benefit any other person.. it dont ait. its true i have the gift of the gap.. n in case you dnt understand. its the ability to talk n persuade. i change ur liking? you?? try to change me, mould me into something im not.

im really tired of these kind of things.. everytime we fight im the one who has to dig into this shit and try to save anything thats left.. n i nvr did say that im into anything serious. maybe you think i am. but if you reli know me. you should catch what my intentions were from the start.

maybe youre still naive. very. i tried to treat you like an adult, but youre still not there yet. im not talking bout actions but your cognitive equations. its a bit lacking there. no use thinking bout it. youve hurt everything hurt. my ego is never really there.. but nw it is.. i never been stepped by a girl like this.. but you did.. guess its gd to know who you really are ait nw. bt i dnt get thoes twitches no more.. its a good thing i guess. get your actions right ya.. dnt do 1 gd thing and gets it defaulted by your stupid no respect actions.. im done..

2008-07-28T23:12:00.004+08:00

and again its happening to me.. beginning to hope that i was someone else.. when it was calm and peaceful, it was damn solemn, but when the clouds gets cloudy.. woohoo.. what a storm..

first of all, i woke up late and get into some squabble wit mum over me over sleeping..aiya.. haha.. that was ok lah i guess. next comes deeyan.. im truly sorry dian.. i heared you ask what time we were going off.. i tot some of them answered.. when i turned around to say, your eyes turned away..dapat au takde orang cakap.. i was so pissed with myself.. i truly m an idiot.. but was fun today that my group was once again reseracted by the presence of sulala and sanana. reli made my day.. i realised that whenever im down, im up.. as in i look more lively and crazy kos maybe i wana forget bout it. but it do werk.

had weekly meetings with nabilah as usual at macD. actually planned to go gym but i guess carrying the apparels for gym was oliadi workout for me as i was so tired.. we talked about feelings, minds, and all sort of situations that i may find myself in the near future..haha.. hope it wud nt come true.. todae was the day i reli opened up kos we both kinda thinks alike and reli share common things. shes the best gal flen i had thus far. better than best friend but never shared a 'wana start a relationship' feelings.. ive yet to come up wit a word 4 us.. haha..

now i know a lot of things.. and what i shud do n dont.. N_D_A K_ _ I K...
she is what i shud be prioritising.. and i will.. ill get us back where we used to be.. 2 years n 3 months back

2008-07-25T22:31:00.002+08:00

what does it takes to be a prince charming? is it the dashing good looks, the shining armour they wear, the slick shoulder long hair, the cloud white horse they ride?? in today's context is the mat2 kind of exotic looks, the labels they wear, the GATSBY perfected hair and the shiny ride they mount.

these are what you girls would be dreaming of ait. well, im afraid to blow your bubble, but im gona do it anyway. well guys like me "average joe", do have feelings in case you overlooked, you gave us hopes with your flirtatious behaviour, and i know that it is just how you act but some guys just dont get it do they.. not all guys have really fallen in love, but once they do, the girl just wont be there to catch them when do fall, so instead of kissing the girl, they get the floor..

guys also do bitch around especially when they have the "assets" of attraction, just girl hopping.. dat is in turn hurtful for the girl so they to want to act up like this so back to square 1, the guys get hurt.

as you know, we guys dnt understand abit bout girls even though we say we know. wake up guys.. you dont. in turn, girls can read us like a book, open us like 1, close like 1 and just fling it away like 1.. they know our every moves, give us hopes and just move on to the next book. my advice, dont put lots of hope on just 1 girl.. unless you know that she is worth the wait which again supports the point of you guys knowing girls..arrgh..

they speak to you in a different tone, they reply ur messages, they smile everytime they look at you, they give thoes kind of smile you never seen coming out of her before.. these are just facade to make you feel like your on top of the world, and when youre there, they just kick you in the back..

so i conclude, dont find yourself instant soulmate. take it step by step..

1. be friends
2. be close friend
3. be good friend
4. be best friend

so here is the tricky part.. when you get to know this girl inside out, you would get the feeling of sibling love, if you do, leave it that way.. if you tink that you can go on a step further, go on.. and you dont need verbal contracts like "will you be my girl", if its there.. its there my friend.. the actions you show would follow and you would soon introduce her to your dudes.."hei..dats her..finally"

IF WORDS COULD SPEAK

2008-07-23T01:10:00.004+08:00

If words could speak on their own
this would be much easier to do.
Though this is already known
I must say how I feel about you.

Roses wilt and love notes fade,
but our love will last forever.
I'll be there when tears cascade.
In your heart I will endeavor.

My heart does not beat, it chants your name.
It longs for you every second of the day
as I gaze at you in the picture frame.
Every time you leave it weeps for you to stay.

You make me smile so much
I don't know how I restore my neutral face.
Longing for your sweet touch,
always dreaming of receiving your embrace.

You know who you are and I want you to know
how much I truly care about you.
Make me a promise that you will never go
for you're something I wish to pursue.

2008-07-22T12:20:00.002+08:00

Dear Holly, I don't have much time. I don't mean literally, I mean you're out buying ice cream and you'll be home soon. But I have a feeling this is the last letter, because there is only one thing left to tell you. It isn't to go down memory lane or make you buy a lamp, you can take care of yourself without any help from me. It's to tell you how much you move me, how you changed me. You made me a man, by loving me Holly. And for that, I am eternally grateful... literally. If you can promise me anything, promise me that whenever you're sad, or unsure, or you lose complete faith, that you'll try to see yourself through my eyes. Thank you for the honor of being my wife. I'm a man with no regrets. How lucky am I. You made my life, Holly. But I'm just one chapter in yours. There'll be more. I promise. So here it comes, the big one. Don't be afraid to fall in love again. Watch out for that signal, when life as you know it ends. P.S. I will always love you.

adapted from the movie P.S. I LOVE YOU

P.S. Guess What
you are the one that makes me whole
but i dnt wish to write you a final letter

Have You

2008-07-18T11:30:00.009+08:00

Have You ever loved someone
But knew they didn't care?
Have You ever felt like crying

But Knew you'd get no where?

Have you ever looked into their eyes

And said a little prayer?

Have you ever looked into their hearts

And wished that you were there?

Have you ever felt their heartbeat,

When the lights were turned down low?

Have you ever whispered "God, I love You"

But you'll never let me show?

Love is grand, yet it hurts so much.

The price you pay is high.

If I could choose between Love and Death,

I'd rather choose to die.

So do not fall in love, my friend,

It doesn't pay a dime.

It only causes broken hearts,

Yet it happens all the time.

So do not fall in love, my friend,

You'll hurt before it's through.

I ought to know, my friend

-I fell in love with you.

MA DUDES

2008-07-16T14:10:00.010+08:00

this is my bestest fren at class. she is strange in a way but sometimes i find myself in her.
Dian/Deeyan/Alba/Elise

This is my adeq in class. she is the youngest(but nak step tue) n ya..she has Hellboy's right hand of doom.

Sucy/Sufia/adeq/HEAVY..HEHE

she shares somthing common with me.my age. and i never said this but u r kinda HOT..kening naek2..

Natasha/stellar/bimbo/eat chocolate never share

ahhh...this is the most cutest girl in class.. in every way i tell you. she looks like the nenek in the movie Congkak in the pic but she really is THE girl next door..or maybe a few more la.

Sulastri,Sulala,Happiest Girl in the world..(almost)

this is the 1 of the 2 handsome guys in class. he is so like doink but he is fun to be wit..just mind his LANGUAGE.hehe

Wei xiang/WX/loverboy

and finally Ahmed.. the frst guy to go home with me.. hes the fiercest of them all. with heart of a lion, strength of an elephant..n only god knows.
Ahmed/AJ/Botak/Jones/Monkey

2008-07-15T13:26:00.003+08:00

My guardian angel, once careless and free,flew into the clouds and lost touch with me.
Her tears were cold and wet, falling on my face.
Her smile had left us without a trace.
Her angelic lips quivered, frozen and scared,I felt rain clouds visiting, and had to prepare.
I knew that angels, often content,were very special presents that God had sent.
To see one so sad,so afraid,so alone,had made me weep while the cold winds had blown.
Her wings lost feathers,comforting and soft,falling from the stars,floating aloft.
Her pain was felt throughout the land,to feel true misery is impossible to stand.
I prayed so that when her hurting stops,I'll be able to taste the angel's teardrops.

2008-07-14T15:36:00.002+08:00

im like so hyper 2dae..very irritating also..was sitting on the bricked playground den suddenly rain. we were like omg. but wei xiang.. stressed about wondering to break wit his gal or not, played in the rain n keep splashing me. i chased him on the bridge and i think people think we are like high on weeds or something.. haha.. wei xiang did broke up

i was talking and disturbing people. talk with sarina for awhile. playfully i must say..haha..den go second break.. i was surprised that SULALA did tag along. like for the first time. cool. been awhile since ive tok to her. she really has no mood todae kos of certain things i guess. really sad to see people who is forever happy suddenly lost that title. hemm.. wished i could like reli tok to her. SO YA.. maybe 1 day la..n im glad i spoke to u dat time ya. very much relieved. n nw u know hw hes like.taxn for helping me wit this blog i have.

n please just hit me back.. im worried bout u now. reli sad to see u in this state

2008-07-12T21:58:00.002+08:00

its a long2 week for me man..im like so damn tired..but i guess this is part of life. making money. n the money is not for me. im working it for my mum. i wish to say what it is but it reli is a family business. n i dnt seek symphaty from others. im so sad to see my mum this way. shes sacrificed everything 4 me. so i guess its my turn to sacrifice my bike dream 4 her.

i guess wen everything settled dwn. only then i could burden myself with bike probs. id love to have 1, but ya. its just not the right time. n ive long fgtn about getting a bike. my life is werk n lepak. so i dnt want it to get affected by this. and if i do have a bike. i wont spend time at hm since i dnt spend time at all nw wit them. even nw im cooped at my room while my family is watching congkak.

till then.

n i reli hope that wen ur wit him. ull smile kays. like u did before. still.. i am just a text away..haha

missing you

2008-07-08T11:20:00.003+08:00

i have this urge to see you,
which i never thought was there,
everytime i tie my shoe,
i remember the memories that we share

you noe how i feel bout you,
as ive saed it before,
but ive been reli wondering who,
am i in ur heart and shore

i reli miss you as ive never had.
though im beat and tired but i never get tired of you.
i reli miss your laughter, you smile, your morning frowning face.
where you eyes were as small as the world.
where i only can have peek at whats inside you.
your eyes are the windows to you heart and soul.
and you cant lie.
i understand you when youre down or up.
i reli want to share everything within me
that i hold so long
but we just cant meet eye to eye.
i reli want to hold your hand when that day
where breeze were strong and i hold your hand
sang you a song and a smile arise out of the ashes
if only you knew that you are on the pinnacle of ma list
that i could never dream a dream knowing that we no longer
hold such dreams
ill get a car driving license for you my dear.
as soon as i get a bike.
i reli wana share everything.
you know how my family is like
i want to introduce you to my mum
as shes been longing to see you
i want to eat the food that you prommised to cook
maybe im sick and feverish kos i miss you
i reli do
ur smile brightens my day
but nw i find maself in the dark.
i never reli saed thoes words
but i will one day
i will

What a Blast

2008-07-07T14:44:00.002+08:00

2 days, 13 hours of work each, 5 hours of lepak each, 3 hours of chatting on the phone each, 3 hours of sleeping each, 1 weekend..

This is my life work at 8 till late night..i want to say that I am very damn tired in these days but I reli do not want have another thing like this. This is just due to me having chills and blocked nose. If not I’ll be fine baby. I am so damn beat and on Saturday where im suppose to end at 3, kena extend till night. Kos of people never comes. But I don’t blame them. Even I was tempted by the sentosa trip. But work has to come first. I never really like to cabot from the commitments I have in hand. I’d sacrifice my time and enjoyment for them.

Today I thought was going to be another Monday but it aint, I decided to get a surprise for classmate/friend Natasha Stellar. Went to Swensens with Sucy/Su*** to get the cake and like was hiding the cake from Natasha. Den Dian/Elise was like asking Natasha to the toilet so that we can ask the staff to like hide the cake. Very funny lah seh with the oreo on the teeths gap and all.

So ya, it’s a blast. Meeting Nunu and Lala later. Gna be another blast.

reflection

2008-07-02T14:54:00.002+08:00

hemm..was late todae..adeq woke me up at 730..and it was like 1 hour from what time i shud have woke up. biase jugak. send ma moms order. kinda tired of rushing there so was like eating at macdonald alone..besh jgk. can reflect on had passed and can reflect on what could have been better and what i should do next.

i learn today from my "reflection" that i have to treasure what i have and not neglect it when i search for new fun. so i msgd her. like out of the blue. kind of missing what i was in her life before we started to drift. i just want to gel it back together where ill send her home eventhough it'll take the gruelling 2 hour bus ride home. but im happy to do that.

yesterday after school i was planning to go to werk den gt a pleasing surprise. SULASTRI!!!!!hah..i realised shes like quite dwn these days so i being the caring or some say kepoh ask her lah..she like nothing2 for awhile, den she gt a call from sm1..she turned to me..took a breathe and saed...nothing..haha..i ask again..den she say..haha..we talk like we never talk before which is like we never reli "talk" before.haha. advices shared and as ive been in her situation for like god knows.. i can tell her my experience. ya...tot of her throughout the LRT journey and finally ending up at werk doing the monotonous thing i do almost every day of my life. sending orders..

2008-07-01T13:30:00.002+08:00

irritating day..woke up todae with cramped arms..which hurts on the left..g mandi and as usual. pelan2..wasnt as bad as yesterday though. but still bad. a 10cm by 4 cm scar is bad i must say. so ya. bt the best part is when i wana wipe myself dry. my right hand cramp..when i try using my left injured hand..pon cramp.. end up jalan macam the hulk.. only naked. haha.. den as usual.. hunt for my boxers.. found lah seh..

need to wear 3 quarters as my leg oso injured..haiz..den ya. go IMM to send my moms curry puff ordes. den plan nak g 7 eleven confident ah ade Winner den g takde.. accompanied by my smokeless lungs. drag maself to the kedai mama kat interchange. due to the craving. i smoke 1 stick. half ah i guess. kos nak berak. haha. need to q for the cubi. lame seh. smore gt fan. walau.. at the limit la seh..gt in den no toilet paper..i was like nak taknak. bt due to the long q in my stomach. bedal jek. frantically finding any kind of paper. den jumpe lah seh. buried treassure.. den the rest its me n myself la eh..den skul as per normal ah. gt UT.stupid question.ah..very weak..k i guess im done.. going to werk..n dis is just start of ma day.. wonder wats gona be like later ah..haha

n sulastri is not smiling..ahhhhhh...

2008-06-30T13:33:00.004+08:00

im just happy that you finally found your answer.. i cant bare to see you sad and shedding thoes tears.. let it be ya rite..its just not meant to be.. and i do not want to hurt you further with my vague saying and all.. ive hurt you enough.. you will find happiness in what you do and rainbows are awaiting for you..

youll just be a post in my diary which i would read back on when im in bed with a soft light shining from above. i cant write any longer..im done

now i know

2008-06-28T23:31:00.004+08:00

aper saje..im reli tired of people accusing when they dont know a thing..thers alot of people like this in ma life..aniwaes gd to know what that now rather den later..ive been parrying what people saed bout you..but now i know what they mean..

im not dat much affected by your departure..n people dont care bout me??boy??grow up lah eh..u were the one getting all excited..n im a liar nw??haha..after i helped u thru werk life..

maybe izzat was true..dnt worry..ill never check up ur blog..go chase watever..wen u grow up.you will realise that theres more to live than just urself..

2008-06-28T18:51:00.002+08:00

its twitches ma fren, twitches..i dont reli mind la kos i know that you are still young and do not know what the world is out there..go find yourself a ship and go sailing where the horizon lies..and i too had been lying to u n myself..well let it only be known to me ya gerl..n please dnt tell people what ive told when for a moment there i tot you are true to your werds..werds are not the same as it was used to..the phrase "ill hold on to ur werds" are no longer valid..n yesterday, i ddnt get the irritation because of you my fren..there are stiil alot of gal like you in my life..bt theres only one gal 4 me..n its not you..fortunately or unfortunately i must say..

i hope you find what life is and maybe you will know ho vague love is..love=sayang..dnt throw that werd around eh..your word sayang would have low value in the end..i never reli intiated anything btw us..all along its been about you..you have the last say..so if you want to have it this way..have it den..just dnt turn back..just dont..i dont wana get these little prick which is worth nothing..nothing at all..i stil hope you all the best..all the best..

2008-06-28T01:14:00.002+08:00

was a lazy day todae..very..but the end part was more of a pain..1030..that was when it started..look like you prove my point straight in ma face..it was an irritating moment..kena last order n reli..last order..1058 still gt order..i was riding like mad..scraping ma foot rest all the way and with this feeling i have..arrgh..geram..den gt at the last order..no unit no..i called and she saed 5th story..manager msg non existence unit no..padahal he was under the block..den trafic light rosak..nak mainstand takleh..

nk pengsan..someone was right..you are fickled..you saed no1 else,but you prove me wrong..you ask me not to do..but you dont reli care..you make me feel upheld den you throw me down the river..

im done k..the past few days you showed me signs..y dont you just tell me eh..y must you stab me den pull it bigger..just pull it out..ill die the same..

my wonderdul life just rained today..wonder when is the rainbow gona come out next..you....nvm..

i never felt anything like this before..but im willing to let go kos i told you that if you found someone better den go girl..i dont reli mind..i dont..im fine by maself..thats how ive always been..

ill just have many gd gal flens i guess..but i wont have you..

back to that lonely road..the long and winding road..
and i to have feelings if you dnt know

2008-06-27T14:17:00.002+08:00

ehm..i see ma close one knocked 1 by 1. it must be miserable huh to know ur ex has feelings for ur ex. its the worst thing i cud imagine.. i realli wish she is fine..stay cool ya gerl.. n the other down with a migraine..walauweh..dats like so hurting leh..can lead to permenant brain damage seh..den degil..tak au nak g doc..haiz..the other stuck between 2 nice guys.. dont think of it too much lah..if you can't change things, take it as it is la eh.. n gt someone gt a reli irrit haircut..haha..step nigger..ape sajek.. you all rileks k..ni aru cobaan jek..dnt blame anyone just yet..overcome it first and when it is settled than ya..do what you want..

and as for me..i guess im very tired these few daes..been like half a year since i do anything..nabz,lau saturday nak g gym blang ah eh.. n kinda lonely as all are buzy or just too sad and sick..looks like its my turn to lift them up huh..

2008-06-26T00:32:00.002+08:00

hemm..where should i start..
just saying that it is true that i have lots of gal flens.
its true that i am close with them..
it is true that i click well with them..

but i never cared for any1 more like you.
i never knew what the meaning of life is.
ive been like colombus all this while..
just trying to survive the island

but then you came
with orchids snuck between ur ear lips
straw skirt and plenty of smile
ive seen many but none like this

there is a hen before an egg
some rain before a rainbow
some water before a plant
some storm before calm..

you may think what i say is empty
validity doubted, trust not given

you used to talk till dawn n all
where every mgs are replied no matter how late'

i know that you burntout these few daes..
you feel as if the whole world had slowed down
but i hasnt my dear, it hasnt
life is still there

so just suck it in
put up a brave front
n even if you fall
im here k..just know that

you are the one

2008-06-25T00:56:00.003+08:00

quite a while since i see her smile,
actually even seeing her,
shes grown her hair,
but she still gt the cutest everything ever

i took a peek when shes listening,
to the sound of life,
there i stood, refugeed from time,
awwing at the greatest thing on earth

but thats what ive been doing all along,
watch,
im may be slow but im not dumb
i know shes out of my reach

im not the only one chasing the 'american dream'
and i know that there are so many others who she deserve
i know im not 'the one'
i can see that, i can feel that

i saed id make her my wife,
take good care of her,
never let her cry again,
never let her sob again

i reli wish to keep that promise
well maybe when there is time,
where we dont think bout life,
maybe we can think bout US

2008-06-23T11:40:00.006+08:00

meet my superhero team guys

this is fantastic 5
Fai
his superpower is making heads turn with his inability to pronounce words. advice, take phonics class.
he is some1 hu i link reli easily as we share common interest and behaviour. Although i just knew him close nw, its never too late i guess. i trust him with all my life. too bad hes going to serve NS as the country needs him. i shud have gone in with him, same date, same acedemy. but too bad. gd luck my fren..

little miss sunshine
Syariza
Superpower is to shine bright light everytime she smile. one of the cutest thing ive seen and is currently seeing fantastic 5. very2 friendly and love to share. weakness, couldnt hold on to feelings she feel. always looked forword to werking with her. brightens my day eventhough im done or up. cant stand but smile everytime i look at her.

Super Shidaa
nunu shahidah
power to mendle with people's mind. has a nice squeeky voice to it. very subtle in every way. manje giler. n ya....diam ah...haha

these are my pizza hut superheroes n ya, these peeps r my closest.. cant imagine how werking life wud b without them.

im werking to be 1 oso..see my transformation in three weeks time ya all..

2008-06-23T01:10:00.002+08:00

aiya..so tired todae..so im just gna tok bout wat happen todae..like every1 else
no flowery words n all..haha

todae was kinda mendak..bangun pagi2,den gt headache..n i know gona be demam..
still went meet mama to help her carry things from pasar..dno y she go so far..kate nak carik pop corn chicken..nenek ngidam..i still wonder y is she so nice to her when dulu baru kawin nenek always make mama cry to sleep..hearing her sad story last time always make me angry wit my other families..guess i have a gd mom ah..sayang mama..haha..bt i nvr say it to her..i know shes sacrifised a great deal for me n the family..i owe her my life..n so will i protect her wit ma life..

todae 2 near death accident n 1 confrontation from a mac rider..sori ah babe, kenek kilas ngan wave pon mau mengamok..lu naek kr sol..takan takleh kejar alek..lu kamikaze..gua rilek aja..

this is typical no life malays..so strong with their pride n all..takleh knk cikit..im a rileks guy..n criusly,get a life..

straighten things out with sm1 todae..naseb lah kan..but i totally no mood lah seh to tok wit people..evry single thing tends to trigger me..haha

k ah..guess dis is it..n thoes secondary school kids..back to skul ah eh..haha..gna miz u though.

kau yang bernama...

2008-06-20T14:49:00.003+08:00

u saed u are busy with ur life

i understand
i know its hard to take me in
i hold my tears
i know you are tired of life
i symphatise
u saed it wud be unfair to me
i never cared bout it
u saed maybe later on in life
i will wait
u saed i shud find sm1 better
i cant

theres no1 but u in my life
i have troubles
and so do you
what i want is that we walk the road
till the very end,if there is

you shine my life as bright as can be
you colour my life as colourful as can be

kau yang ku sanjungi
yang ku rindui
lama sudah kau bersembunyi
hilang sudah paras wajahmu
di ingatan ku

kau insan yang ku harapkan
kau yang ku ingin kan

kau yang bernama...

2008-06-20T00:32:00.003+08:00

why is everyone mourning about how bad the world is..
its not that bad..actually
some have trouble brewing at every turn of a corner..
some sit at one corner pulling hairs..
some just wana dissapear all together..

these are challenges brought upon us humans..
take it as gracefully as it is given..
we are not the decider of our path i know..
but we are the one walking it
so dnt just let the things that are thrown at u to hit..
pick it up..throw it back..

if you find sm1 along the way..
tag along but dnt hold his hand..
youll just hurt yourself at the junction where he goes the other side..
people change like you do..
i admit that i change from time to time..

life is wonderful..
if you think it is..

its okay to lie to yourself at times..
try to change as many things as you can..
try to accept thoes that you cant..

n what i meant as 'get a life'
is to walk your path..
dnt look back and search for the horizon
its there smwhere..
if you just believe

2008-06-18T15:00:00.002+08:00

yesterday was a great day kos i finally gt a chance to sit beside her and joke around with her. gt a piece of her.. shes reli...reli...reli...cute up close in persom..walauweh..

we talk and mock each other till dawn..haha..never have i talk to her like that and she reli brightens up my day...reli..hope it will continue ya SU.

den go watch movie wit nabz again..incredible hulk..aaaarrrggghhhh..hulk smasshhhh..kedebabom!!haha

reli sweet la spend time with her..

i realised im much more happier these few days..everything settled.i have some1 to care for me and complain at night..with HAN N MAMA...hehe..reli missed ur smile..N SMACK...haha

hope u guys r hapy too ya ait

happy i guess

2008-06-18T14:30:00.002+08:00

I think I'm very happy
Because I feel really good
I'm not all grumpy and sad
I feel happy because I should

Sad and mad and glad and bad
Mixed emotions I used to keep
At night I used to toss and turn
But now I get plenty of sleep

I'm a great person most of the time
And I keep good company always
The only time that I get all grumpy
Is on those sunny days

I should be happy...I really should
No one can convince me of less
I should be happy and make others happy
I should always be happy I guess

2008-06-16T09:37:00.003+08:00

my hopes are like a kite,
you hold on tight to it,
dnt wish to let go,
dnt wish to bring it near to you..

it dances with the wind,
you pull it,you release it,
you dont know if you wana set it high,
or just keep it low..

i feel like its being played with,
you give me hope,but you take it away,
will you take me home or cut the string,
or you just take me to entertain you..

i dnt mind shielding you from the sun,
but i cant do much,
i dnt mind making you giggle the whole day,
dats all i can do..

Time and again the doubts come along
But why let them stay?
Everyone's far from who they could be
We're all on our way
Days we were strong we remember well, yeah
Days we were scared, we live and learn
Ask me the way and I will point above
No matter what, that where I turn
That where I turn

2008-06-11T15:38:00.003+08:00

like a vase
when things are broken..its broken
even if you put them back together,
there is still some fine line,
prove of it shaterring..

people who so see ur vase
might miss the crack,
but you noe,you noe its there
you just dnt feel the same

but its better to see it as a whole once more,
kos bits of pieces are just too many to count..

you get what you get,
and you dnt get upset,

yesterdays history,
tomorrows a mystery,
for todaes a gift,
thats why they kol it present..
(kung fu panda)

taxn for being there for me ya
eventhough you know that you are just one of them
you still kept strong
you just listened on..

thank you very much

Changes

2008-06-09T21:35:00.004+08:00

why do special people change in my life,
are they just scared to live,
or r they just bored of living,

i close one change drastically,
she start to smoke and drink heavily,
when she was the 1 who asked me to stop doing all that,
and nw??

it reli is disheartening to see her that way,
can you imagine watching someone you care just
sucked down the whirlpool

i reli hate having this feeling of guilt,
i hope i can change her but i paused,
took a look at myself and turned away..

i myself had changed,
i saw her face staring towards,
wished i could just smile,
but i hung my head low and just walked past..

i knew that i couldn't go on like this,
but what can i do,
just keep dodging her eyes?
till when??

thoes eyes just kept rewinding in my head,
i wish i could erase it away,
and yes i did,
by drinking with my freinds till i drop

drank vodkas and gins
woke up at a fitness corner at 8 aM
in my werk uniform..so sad la seh..
but i did 4gt her

for a while

at night went dwn werk place..n she was there..
so ya these things go around again
n there is just something bout her tonight
she didnt smile or laugh

tot by nt bothering her,
she would smile once more
but no

wished i could asked wats wrong.
but i know she wouldnt listen
n ya.
ive changed

2008-06-07T21:30:00.002+08:00

Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...........so tired..ive not slept like for 20 hours oliadi..yesterdays bbq pit was like..was like..better not say it lah..haha..tot alot of peeps are coming but alot of excuses i gt.haha..met sucy at pasir ris mrt to fetch me..go hr house where sulala and dian is..den like slack till 530 before head for the pit..set up everything with sucy has to go back home kos she forgot alot of stuffs..cant blame her actually..haha

den like around 730 sarina had to back for a lil camp..offered to sent her up to the bustop..quite sweet if u ask me..haha..we talked all the way..then the chinese gang set off for a "journey to Changi"..haha..which was a goo thing as some of natasha's and yuetee's fren came slowly one by one like ants discovering a giant lolly pop on the ground..drank abit..dian was suppose to share a bottle of tiger with me but after a sip,..shes not liking it and i have to finish it off..haha

they stayed quite a while and i feel bad for the chinese gang where its suppose to be their pits but conquered by some outsiders..sori guys..well finished all the stuff and like all were ko by 3 or 4 am..feeling bored.i went cycling alone..kinda cool..haha..

i was left packing up alone only to be assisted by sucy and dian after they came out from the toilet..feeling2 org responsible..haha.we went to macs for a proper breakfast..we originally tot of goin hm but nabz asked me to accompany her to wait for ma ite mates..thay plan to go wild2 wet..haha..so i waited..suppose to have 8 people going but 3 tak jadi..and it was like a free ticket..they asked me along..n im like nvr went in b4..just jammed ah..haha..ride the chances flying by..hahaso after that we went changi village to makan nasi ayam penyet..the sambal was like maut gile lah seh..dats y their famous huh..den they say go movie n im like k i had enaf for dae..so gt on bus 19 to tamp..upon reaching..nabz gt kidnapped by them kos she dnt wana go as well..so ya..kidnapped..

i was left alone n looking at the escelator hoping that she'll pop up..but she didnt..so journey back home starts there..slept thru till chinese garden..

im so damn tired la n tomorrow nite still gt pit..wonder if im going lor..haiz..ill post he pics later after i gt

walauweh

2008-06-05T21:16:00.002+08:00

haiya..gt class bbq tomorrow..shud b fun..i reli hope..if its not den, its not la..
promise to take more pics of tomorrow..
den 3 days frm nw gt sec sch pit. i have to go kos its been like a year since i made contact with these earthlings..nanti kate sombong lak an..ileks jek..
will be getting a bike at the end of this year i hope..i hope..haha
im not tired of taking public but just that its like the evolution of me into a man..
haha..and dont worie..ill ride anyone who needs a lift..nt because i hav an eye 4 a gal ah eh..but just that i remember on how people sent me hm and all..reminds me on how i feel..but sometimes..understand understood ah eh..takde minyak or jauh sangat..
but ill do whenever i can..but my 1st pillion is gona be my kecik..eh kecik..ill pick u to skul and after your floorball training ya..i promise..c la if i werk or not eh..haha
n i kinda reli2 miz u ah kecik..reli3..
mit up one day wit abg syam n kakak dian eh..been awhile..
n i gta get a big present for their wedding day..
haha..nt JLo's perfume agi ekh..haha
k lah..enjoy ur class pit ya..

2008-06-04T20:08:00.003+08:00

there are a few people i want to thank in this life of mine.
but ill just give the descriptions la..you guys figure it out yourself..

1st i wana thank someone i met two years ago.. we were never friends,classmate or even a couple but my one and only. you were there to listen to me and youre the only person i feel comfortable sharing. though much of our conversation are phone based, we were still strong.. you have my deepest darkest secret.. and you kept it well.. i reli miss thoes days when i wake up in the morning just looking forward to deeing you. thoes days are gone.. but i remembered how you maturely parried all the words of mouth and we were even caught at the back of the chalet. hahas..we marched through the doors with pride and ready to launch our "anti-words" missile. we are still going strong now even when sometimes im too engrossed with some1 else till i almost forgot you. i dnt mind the little2 twitches i had wth sm1 kos i wont be devastated by their departure. but i do remember when i had a little quarrell with you and one by one, thoes tears began to fall.. thats the worst and best day of my life, one being that i almost lost you, the other,dats the first time i cried for a girl. call me emo. i still remember the call where i thought you randomly picked, you put up a strong front but somehow i know that your very very sad. so a asked.. "what happened".. you were sobbing and i couldnt stand but close my eyes and try to make telephatic contact with you.haha.. i promised ill make you my wife, i promised ill never hurt you in anyways, i promise that you are the only one who fills my emptyness. your cheekyness and your kiddiness makes me smile. eventhough you are always looking like THE WIZARD OF OZ in the morning..haha..you are still my "kecik"...

the next person i want to thank is my werk place bestie.. she is the sweetest girl but still cant beat the person above..hehe.. shes is like the person who lights up the restaurant when its dark and gloomy. look forward the weekends to werk with her. but ill be content at beztie kos i know im out of her league and i do not want to make any1 uncomfortable. just being with her dis close and sharing some of my secrets are very contenting.. im reli glad youre in my life as werk would jst be werk ah. i reli need you at werk ait nw more thsn ever..dnt just quit on me yar gerl.. you have loads of suitors, and ill make sure that thoes candidates you choose..audition with me 1st.. haha.. im a man, i can read man.. and whoever dares to hurt my girl2. ill draw blood for you..beztie..

2008-06-04T12:46:00.002+08:00

what amaze me is that you listen to thoes loads of crap,
and say that im the cause of it,
ape nie..
ive told you before y im keeping this secret,
kos i know its gona end up this way,

n y are you even affected by what they say?
you know its not true,
you say youre makin it easy for me??
ive been patience just to mke it easy for us,
the riders are just saying it for fun,
we are mature beings,

we dont talk behind the guy,
we just sound it like a joke,
a means of entertainment,

y do still have to make it this way??
n you kept avoiding me at werk when,
we used to joke around at werk,
i dont care what you take me as after werk,
but you make me feel inferior at work..

even nak amek air pon pikir due kali.
if you reli feel bad than i can leave if you want,
but i dnt wish to,
as i know that this can be saved,

i dnt want this to drag la ehs..
just act normal la..
nothing reli happened..
y you have to make a big fuss..

when they make funs of us,
just laugh along..
kos they dont know a thing do they

Stories of Yana

2008-06-04T00:44:00.002+08:00

i met her when i was in secondary school,
she was the big i sister i nvr had,
but she was too good to be ma sis,
n so shes ma baby,

we were so tight back then,
like nothing can split us,

well thats what i tot of course,

an incident broke out and i was left paralyssed in dismay,
i couldnt believe it,
i couldnt accepted it,
so we are done and she gt married,

do you reli move on when you dnt tink of her,
den suddenly she came back into the pic,
and a rush of mixed feelings follows,

contacted back and she told me how bad was her marriage,
and how she regretted leaving me,
i symphatise her but,
is it just symphatise?

i dont know..
left me with an empty mind these few days
i tot i lost her and now,
she almost back at me,

if she goes again this tyme,
isit losing her again?
or just gaining back old memories?

i dont know..
found someone who can reli fill me,
her laughter and her behaviour,
sets her apart..

would i lose her if i ponder on it too much?
or would i lose my 1st love if i go wit this gal?
i dont know..

wrote ma last post as to make me feel better
how things bout people saying her adulterous
when she just met me..
her old lil bro..

but as i write that post..
my heart felt heavy..

was i reli hoping to move on..
or am i just hurting maself with the blades of memory..
i just dont know..

i hope she has moved on cause i dnt want her,
to be in between,
dont want her to think the past..

niwaes hurt maself 2dae
saket gile..
but no1 seemed to care

so sad
but ive lived with it for sometime oliadi..
at this age,i shouldnt be tripping over little2 things..
i shold be more open and try to take in more stuffs..

sori for thoes ive hurt
sori for the misunderstanding
or misconception

im just human

n yana..take care of your husbnd
and my little cute zulaisha eh

papa promise bring you eat pizza k

wish i had a child in my own
haiz

sori 4 making you listen to all this,
but i just dnt know wher to turn

all the doors are slammed at ma face..
till then

tata

2008-06-03T12:31:00.000+08:00

im just a stain

IM HAPPY

2008-06-03T12:04:00.003+08:00

though i know im not right for you, i still try to find you,
eventhough i know that youre finding something new to
past the old, i still willingly be your subject,
im happy to see you find a path to walk on eventually,
and not live on the road of pretence that i once rode on,
im happy to know that you finally found a purpose,
to live in this world of feelings,
i wont be beside you accomponying you
till where the road ends if it does have,
but ill just be way behind,
scoping you and just smile at how you skip,
hands locked with someone else,
cause if youre happy den i guess ive done my job,
as a fren,
fear not that i would tell everybody that were
just good frens like we are,
go on girl, im fine
its just another episode in my life,
where the sad background music comes along,
and people looking sad,
but deep inside they noe they did their best,
and i did my best
and im happy,
i truly am

2008-06-02T11:15:00.007+08:00

Werk2

2 Hot Things

2 Cute Things

Gua Org Rilek

hold me tight

2008-06-02T10:40:00.004+08:00

evrytime i look into thoes eyes of yours
past thoes grievance tears you shed
i saw hope which you thought was lost
but its something youve always had

you may think that you are hazed
into the land of the unknown
struggling to find the answers to the maze
finding the answers you call your own

i can take the obliviousness you throw
cause i know youre somewhere in between
i can take the occasional blow
but for how long, is left to be seen

guess your secrets is really yours
i just hope you keep mine

ive said it before that i dont wana get into
anything serious'
cause im scared either of us would get hurt
but it is strange that i had not dived into anything
of that sort
but im already getting hurt

in this short moment we had
i felt sweet and sour with you'
but time is all i need from you'

just wana know
do u even think of me, ever
i know its been long since youre alone
n try to move on

im not saying you have but you should
dnt be like me..

you made me try to move on
but evrytime i inched closer
you pull me back with your kshfkjhrkf'

i wish you luck
you know hu u r
i dont

If Only You Knew...

2008-06-01T00:13:00.002+08:00

if only you knew what i think of you
if only you knew how i feel bout you
if only you knew what love is all about
if only you knew where this is taking us at
if only you knew that im praying for you always
if only you knew that i am always here for you
if only you knew why im here for you
if only you knew when you make me wanna cry
if only you knew somehow that we are to be

if only i knew that these things wont happen
but ill never give up hope on you
that ive build so high
even when these hopes are frail

every night i pray
with no prove that anyone could hear
but faith is all that i need
faith in you

you promised me the sun
you pledged me the moon
but where are they now i ask

i never reli wanted feel this way
but you are the reason why i stay
well you could just be my unintended
my feelings stays no matter what

twitches in my heart are the prove of my word
one need not breathe the word "i love you"
cause every wind that brushes hisses these

we are drifting apart, i know
we are two worls apart, i see

you are in a stage where you need to prove
while im in where i need to slow down

its been nice knowing you
i guess those "others" too
i just need you now more than ever
well i guess im not the only one

HEHE

2008-05-29T19:07:00.002+08:00

im just a stain

Looking forward for todaes lesson.besh gile..where i can realli tink and where i am kinda gd at ah.haha.

Well sulala today was kinda cute, we kinda irritated each other and would dig a hole and stick my head in if she was like staring.hahax

went to skul wit nabz..da lame since we went to "congkak" together. shes the best "gal"fwen i could ask. well let secrets b secrets eh nabz..

well i hope that the time would still itself and i can do watever i want. i can Reminisce on the things i had done. sit on a wooden bench beside a red phone booth and see the sun setting but i know it would nevr will. hugging a cup of mocha with my palm and smoking ciggy that would nvr end.

then i saw you strolling down the beach, with the jaggered hair, black as your pupil, red scarf around you neck and a pearly white dress with the bottom silently hides your little foot. you actually smiled and just walk on.

i tried to stand and give a chase, but like in a bad dream, its just so hard. i see your Silhouette go further and further into the sun till i see no more. and then i realised that thats my only chance and i just watch it away. dno lah if you would come back again in the way i saw you and gave me a smile and i can smile back.

all i nd is 1 chance..n ill be anything you want me to..

what a blessing it is to be loved

youre an angel sent to me.

bt i lost you..

lost again...

2008-05-28T15:28:00.004+08:00

Hello , Sucy here . Updating for Mr Dedy . So basically this is Dedy with cutestuff . ((:

4 u

2008-05-27T20:54:00.001+08:00

im just a stain

I look up
as a tear rolls slowly
down my cheek
I think about better days
and wonder if I'll feel that way again
you look at me
with those eyes I know so well
always serious, so deep and insightful
as though you're always in control
But not today
not now
Now you look so scared
like for once you don't have the answer
I gaze at you
looking deep into those hazel eyes
Hoping to understand
why you've said those things you did
I wonder for a moment
if this is all a dream
if I shall wake in the morning
and be relieved
you look at me
with a confusion I have never seen
slowly pull me towards you
and wipe the tears from my cheek

2008-05-27T20:02:00.000+08:00

today is a boring day. as always. but today is particularly boring. except for sulala that sat in my group. the cute n excited girl. love watching how she reacts to little things.

well, whole day kena twitches in my heart. like people constantly using pencil to poke me. kinda fun actually. maybe this is what you feel when you care for some1 huh. n 2dae my fone did not ring.

i feel like going to werk n ride the bike as fast as i can. thats the way to release my stress. reli effective. especially when youre in a near accident. haha. well i just hope shes doing well and having fun kos if shes happy, i'll be 2.

Monday 11:02 my side of the story

2008-05-26T23:02:00.000+08:00

I never wanted this to happen.. i asked her out yesterday and she would confirm with me.
asked her today and she saed shes too tired.

so i guess i asked my close friend instead to go as ive saved up the money for that day. so might as well spend it rather than on smoke..

nice movie. after that i plan to eat buut i saw sm1 i least expect. i guess she gt a glance of me.
shes with her friend and i thought saying hi. but i gt huh instead.

left her wit her buds..

couldnt eat normally. think bout her always.

even on the bus ride home i thought of her. couldnt realise that shes the 1.nvr expected any xplanations but she tried giving me.

hushed her but gt a knock instead.

just wna say you are the one hu makes me whole and empty

in my heart and in my soul

just like he sun you,show me the light

im amazed and your the reason why