-12:18:00 PM

sounds of fire crackers, smell of laughter and you could just taste that it is all coming to the end. this is where everyone is excited about but not me.

i still remember where i was at the last house in Commenwealth we use to get the preparations one week before the day itself. weave the ketupat, getting the charcoal fired, putting up the new curtains we just bought from the famous Geylang pasar. trying on our new baju kurong. throwing fire crackers from the 10th floor down aiming at the big tree hoping to make it burn.(it didnt). every malay in the block would gather at my 2nd storey apartment and putting order on how many bunch of ketupat they want and its free. even if we were like enemys throughout the year, on that particular day, we were family.

i truly miss thoes days. now that special day is still special as in its double pay at piza hut and im working 12 hours. cool. no spring cleaning and all. no hectic trying to make the deadline kueh making competition. no new baju kurong. no ketupat. no following mum to the pasar to get fish which i hate but i miss doing it, i dont know why.

third day of raya, ma mums gona go for her surgery, have to skip skool for that. recite yasin there. i reli hope she gets well and that no hiccups along the way. i am really greatful for you mama. you have done alot of things. once i thought that friends can take care of me but im wrong mama. im wrong. i need you more than ever. you are the only person on this earth i can talk to. everyone just leaves. but dont you. i reali need you. ill miss thoes patting and advice which i never head. its just breaks me down to see you in this state still trying to make a living for us. just stop would you. i will take care for you. ill drive you around in my shiny car if you make it. ill make you the happiest person in the world. ill buy you a condo. ill get you to the holy land. ill never get married till i achieve all that. i promise mama. i promise. im in class and im crying just at the thought of it.im not that strong after all

-9:56:00 AM

You walk past me like I’m part of the scenery
I’m right here but you don’t even see me

She walks be your side, she doesn’t even glance around

When she became your world, that’s when mine crashed down

I’ll smile if it makes you happy

I’ll die if it means you’re still here

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

And I won’t shed a tear

No, I won’t shed a tear…

When I smile, it’s just as bad as lying

Can’t you see how on the inside, I am dying?

I can’t hold back any longer

Why, oh why, can’t I be stronger?

I’ll smile if it makes you happy

I’ll die if it means you’re still here

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

But I can’t shed a tear

No, I can’t shed a tear…

But I fear… That I will…

And the tears won’t seem to slow down

I feel like I’m gonna drown

If only, if only you’d look at my eyes

You’d understand why this poor soul cries

But you only look through me like I’m not here

Even though my pain is crystal clear

I’ll smile if it makes you happy

I’ll die if it means you’re still here

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

Yes, I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down…

I’ll smile if it makes you happy {so happy}

I’ll die if it means you’re still here {still here}

I’ll hold you up even if you drag me down

Please stand up when I’m falling down

Please stand up when I’m falling down

Please stand up when I’m falling down

Labels: her, me, she

-1:51:00 PM

everything seems to be getting hard for me each day. the people i love are no longer smiling like they should. i need them in my life. i need you to smile for me. i can smile for you no doubt but will you for me..

i need someone to msg me, call me at night so that im a lil distracted from my thinking time. maybe share a lil bit of this and that. but there is still no one. would any of you listen to me. i just need to talk. im all choked up from all this.

most of all i need you. but i know that you would be very bz with your own life and squeezing your brain for an answer and praying a miracle would happen like im always praying for you.

no matter wat happens, before its too late i just wana say

I LOVE YOU

Labels: her, she

-10:15:00 AM

i always find it hard to sustain something in life. to get it, yes. to hold it no. sometimes i wonder. its this ability that makes some of you out there hate me. i think. but its beyond my means to like gather all of you to come together. i have bigger things to gather.

im sorry if i ever gave you like unsure smile. i have too much to think. but when i do take time to think bout you, it just saddens me as i just dont know how to help you. you probably have lots of ppl out there thinking like me but i have no intention to be one of them. but mutually exclusive.

to have someone who has an upperhand over me really bring me down. im not a peacock who needs to show my feathers to have you notice me. if i think im not good enough ill let it go. ill let it go.

I can see you're sad. Even when you smile, Even when you laugh. I can see it in your eyes, Deep inside, you wanna cry. i really hope that i can be there for you but i knoe its impossible.

Everything always happens for a reason, I guess it was never meant to be. But it's just something we have no control over, And that's what destiny is.

but if you need me. im here ya.. distance is just units. theres cars, trains and bikes. ill walk there if i have to.. smile2

Labels: she

-1:56:00 PM

i guess im being selfish. i have to realise that maybe ur happiness might not lie with me. and i have realise that it is the case. todays lesson gave me a fright when it started as it is really close to me. about heart and mind. my heart says you are the one. my mind says think about it. my mind is pounding, my mine is aching. i dono. i dono. i dono.. but watever it is, i dnot wana lose what i had with you. i realli dont. i have to face the facts. i have to face you. watever happens, i hope you are happy. choose watever that makes you happy. ill pray

Labels: she

we learn about paralanguage.. cant you read mine

-2:33:00 PM

k now i feel so awkward after telling her ..damn seh..but i guess i shudnt wait too long

People always say to forgive and forget but that is not the case for me. It is either I forgive and never forget or forget and never forgive. Cause if you forgive, you won’t forget what you forgave him for. I will forget that person and would never forgive him and would forget who he is totally.

I am someone who forgives easily and I can’t really bring myself to hate someone. But I will still remember him for what he did. And like you, I did forgive you and you just cant leave my mind. I thought that u was the one for me but I guess it was just another illusion. You are a magician.

And so I move on. Somewhere near to you. Very near to you. She is very2 cute, everytime I look into her eyes, there would be a pause as if the world just stops rotating, time just seized to exist. Lips moving, eyes stuck to each other, but realization hit me. That’s when I turned away. Maybe u too is another mirage. Another girl in the train. I have this pain in my chest plus heart that u produce, with every little things you do says a lot.

Labels: her, she

-6:08:00 PM

People say that the eye is the window to the soul. This is quite true. But when I look into yours, I’m just lost in it. I do not know what is going on inside. Maybe you are still in a state of denial. U needs someone there to sub him. But I too am confused. I just can’t get you to see that I am someone who is ready for you. But I think you want to give him a second chance. Maybe I should have not been too attached to your warmness. I need you every second. You’re the reason I go to places I hate. But I know you care. Maybe we shouldn’t be too close because I might be hurt without you realizing it. Someone yesterday told me in the wee morning that I have to make the first move. But what can I do. And he says that what happens if you are destined for this girl and you don’t make the first move. You might lose this only chance and never meet her again. But I think to myself that if we are meant for each other. Then maybe we will, if not now, later. But can I wait that long I pondered. Will the chance only come when im with another person and would I hurt her or would I hurt you the most. Maybe I should make the first move.

And to shidaa. If you are reading this, I am sorry for what had ever happen. and sorry for me to take too long initiate a first move. It will take time before we can talk like nothing happened. Lets just wait ya girl. And i do miss you and you voice. Haha. Every time you laugh, I hope that it was my joke you were laughing at. Good luck on your exam next week..hemm

Labels: nocturnal, she

-12:40:00 AM

Sometimes i wake up in the morning to a new beginning, but it just doesnt happen. this rock in ma chest just wont let me. im left gasping for air in the comfort of my own bed. it leaves me paralysed for a moment till an instance i felt so hurt that i actually think that it was a mini heart attack. but ill just push maself up and faces of people i love, i treasure just flashed.

would i get a chance to say how i really feel, would i get to make u happier than u can ever imagine, would i get a chance to feel your warm embrace once again. it is not i never listen to you guys mummuring. but im just not in a condition where i can just think for myself. what if something is wrong with me. i cant support this family of mine that i love so much. i cant get ma mum through her operation. i wouldnt dare say that i truly love you cause im scared it would just be for a moment before im gone. im scared that i would hurt you even more than what u are. im scared of leaving you alone.

ive been trying so hard to occupy maself with stuff so that i wouldnt feel the pain. i smoke just to console myself. ive been trying hard to withstand the pain in class so that no1 abtually notice. all i could do is rub ma chest secretly so that no one sees it, not that any1 do care but i dont wana be a hastle for any1 to bother. ive lived alone in ma own world for most of my time. having sm1 there to see to u would be nice but i guess im just conditioned to feel cold. not opening up maself so much cause that will leave me vulnerable.

i dont mind being a mirage of your past. i cant change you in an instant but i just want you to know that i care. n ill do anything within my means to make u reach nirvana.

sometimes i think to maself that no matter how hard i pray, theres no prove that anyone cud here. but ill just keep holding on till a moment where all my prayers and questions answered.

Labels: she, the pain

-10:08:00 AM

all i did was just sit back and listen to you.. thats the very least i can do.. i can do much more i guess. it is something that i think i can excel. u make me feel special everytime but i know inside me that im not. ive been where u were and i know that its hard. its been 3 years but i still do feel the twitches now and than. but its fine.. im still standing.. its hard to have people telling you that you are a great person. but ur nt special. im nt special.. im just great.. dats it.. everyone has someone special hu luks over them or they look after. but for me, every special person leaves for a reason or two. none of them stays. they are there when u need them but they are nt when u dnt. i need sm1 hus always there in rain or sunshine, in excitement or in boredom. someone i can complain to like the MP. appeal my fine letters. but i think that i wud just be blind sided. im just the nice guy hu u know as a great friend.

Labels: she

-10:14:00 AM

S Club 7










me, she and her










Featuring Umairah in
Singapore Drift...

Starring Dedy

little gingerbread man
MY

Telletubbies Full dress Rehearsal

irianto and siti

DOM the Evian model

Christina Banana

cool chicks

hafizz shutter and sadako

funny that in this short period that im with u all.. alot has we went through.. it is nice to tell something that i have in this mind of mine. the deepest, darkest secret is still in me but it takes time. im beginning to trust u all and we do have something in common. but its a pity that we have oni 6 months. ill make this the best 6 months of our life